Hey all. Things are still a little strange for me. I haven’t had much luck in working through this depressive spell. I’m still not producing the amount of writing I wanted to, which is frustrating. I have both of these novels completely outlined, but I just can’t seem to write. I’m having a bit of luck with my writing commissions, at least. And Patreon things. Those I can write.
My own characters?
Not so much.
I think that’s what frustrates me the most. My characters are the ones that aren’t cooperating. Even though I have everything laid out for them.
But what’s the hardest is distinguishing between burn out and depression and the executive dysfunction associated with ADHD. I’ve said it before, I know when I’m being lazy. This isn’t me being lazy.
It’s so incredibly frustrating to have everything laid out for a novel, two of them, actually, and to not be able to get the motivation or focus to work on it. This happens in more than my writing life, of course. I’m currently sitting here going ‘I need to eat something’, but instead I’m sitting here and writing this blog post. This will go on until I can finally get myself to start moving toward the kitchen. And don’t get me started on actually deciding what I want to eat.
But when it deals with my novel stuff, it’s even more frustrating.
I like writing. I love writing. I love being able to create worlds and tell the stories of characters. To not be able to explore my own stories, to not be able to finish my own work…
It just hurts.
Why can I focus on commissions and Patreon stuff, but not on my novels?
I don’t get it.
In the past, I’ve written through my depressive spells. This time I haven’t really been able to. I can’t put a finger on why though. Do I just not have the energy? Am I afraid that my books aren’t going to do well? These are all decent reasons, I guess. Excuses, I suppose.
I was able to push myself to write my grad school sample – though I suppose it says something that I had to push to write it rather than let it happen naturally. Rather than having something already ready to go.
That’s the last hugely significant work I’ve done on my novel stuff. I’ve managed a few things here and there, short little bursts. But I haven’t been able to get into the swing of things again.
I get frustrated when I can’t achieve my writing goals.
Maybe I didn’t want more disappointment.
I guess this is a possibility as well. When I’ve burned out before, I’ve had trouble doing much writing at all. So that’s why I’m confused – I’m still doing commissions, RP, and Patreon. Usually when I’m burned out, I can’t write much of anything. Yet I’m still working on all of that…
Either way, I need to get my focus for my novel writing back. It’s frustrating and it doesn’t help anything when I’m not able to be productive on what I need to be productive on.
Here’s to hoping that I’ll be able to work through this.